Lost

Ever since the rescue of Max from Dantooine, I find myself aimlessly wondering around with no goal, no objective, no meaning. The torment and torture that Max had to endure at the hands of Colonel Cauli opened my eyes to what aligning myself with the Emperor and his minions really was about. It sickened me. It sickened me so much that, that I resigned my commission from the Imperial Army that very night. To know that I had been a part of the killing of innocents on behalf of the Empire as I had thought the Rebel Alliance had been since that fateful day on a transport I was on seemingly so long ago.

I thought that I could take my mind away from this confusion I felt. I thought by diving into hunting, like I did when I first arrived in this system, I could make things like they used to be. Out in the wild by myself, camping under the stars, tracking wild lairs, honing my rifle and trapping skills, would be just the ticket. This seemed to be working, but I found that it only seemed to be working. All that it really has done is allowed me to get into my own head, and relive moments in my past.

My thoughts wander about as much, if not more then my physical body, I think about Max, how we used to think our life together would never end. To all the fantastic times we had together hunting, or just sitting down in the open with nothing but each other to hold on to, and the stars to light our way. I think about how Max and I slowly grew apart, max frustrated with running a growing city as mayor and having to be away for extended periods, and I constantly away on contract hunts or tracking for different clients. I think of our son Avios, and what a beautiful gift he is, and how far he has come in his life, but also how I almost lost him, how I was told that I had miscarried him, while still in boot camp, when in fact the Empire had stolen him from me, and had used and abused him, robbing him of his youth and me almost of my son. I think of Scarlet, a small, but very fierce Zebrak woman, with a will and determination that knows no bounds, and how she is now the woman in Max’s life. I was introduced to her one night, when Max and her happened to find the same cantina I was in. Then later she called me to help in the rescue of Max. Since then she has become pregnant, of this all I know is that it is not by Max, and she has been having a difficult time with the first trimester, due to complications. I think how I fit into all of this. I know I was asked to midwife Scarlet when the day comes, but what after? My god what before?

I find myself wandering aimlessly around different cities, on different planets, with no thought as to why I am there, sometime with no real idea as to how I even got there. This is not a good place to be. I know I can never go back to the Imperials, not after what I’ve seen them do, what I have done. Right now I’m out of the conflict, and this may be what is getting to me. I have had thoughts of what it would be like to join and be on the other side, but I don’t know if I’m willing to go that far…yet…but… not yet.